by
Charlie Champion
Wally Woodchuck was full of himself. He was cool, he knew it, and anyone who didn’t recognize his coolness was very uncool.
If you had any doubts about Wally’s specialness, just ask him..” I’m hip, I’m Cool. Lay it on me , baby” He would reply, looking down his nose at such a plebeian question.
Several months ago, while surfing the City garbage dump, Wally had found a pair of discarded, Barbie doll , sun glasses. They were oversized by woodchuck standards, but with the help of a length of salvaged wire, they were able to perch precipitously on the bridge of his nose.
Wally looked at his reflection in a pool of water, ” These glasses are the final touch.” He thought. ” I’m much too fine to do any woodchucking. That type of work is only for suckers and regular Woodchucks.. The other Woodchucks should feed me and take care of all my health and wealth needs.
After all” He continued,” I’ ve worked very hard at being too cool to work. It’s much more fun to drink with my friends, chase after females in heat, and get free food from public storage during the Winter.”
He ambled over to the local wood pile, and leaned against a stump.
There was a group of 10 or 12 woodchucks busy at work, chucking the wood into ragged piles.
His noticed three of his buddies working as part of the group.
He snickered as Warren Woodchuck picked up a length of tree limb.” Hey Willie , look at sexy Wanda Woodchuck.” He pointed off to his right.
When Willie Woodchuck looked away, searching for Wanda, Warren chucked the branch he was holding, landing a glancing blow at the back of Willies head.
” Hey who did that?” Growled Willie, in mock anger. ” Who hit me in the head?” He looked around the work group, while reaching down to pick up a clod of mud.
As Willie straightened up, he threw the muddy clump aiming at Warren’s head.
Seeing the approaching mud ball, Warren ducked. The mud ball sailed over his head and hit group leader Winston, smack in the snout.
The ensuing melee lasted far too long, and left several members of the group nurseing injuries, effectively ending any any additional work getting done.
Still chuckling, Wally went over to his friends.” Look at you guys! What a sight.” He shook his head,.” You all certainly made a mess. All the wood that you chucked is gone, mashed in with the mud.”
Willie’s black nose glistened with moisture, and a splatter of brown mud. ” What do you think we should do, Wally? The Union leaders, and their supervisors will be angry that we ruined all this work.” He rubbed his mouth. ” I chucked so much wood that my teeth hurt.”.
” Who are you kidding?” Sneered Wally. “Your teeth hurt because Winston Woodchuck smacked you in the mouth for hitting him with that mud.”
Willie looked sheepish. ” Perhaps you are right. So what do we do to fix this mess?”
” We go to the Union Hall and talk to Wingo. He’s our representative to the Bosses. They can’t do anything without Wingo’s O K .You know that.”
Willie sighed . ” I forgot. Things have changed so much since the World economy crashed two years ago.Everything is so different.So easy. They tell us what to do. When and how to do it, I get tax rebate checks even if I don’t work.”
Wally Woodchuck nodded in agreement. “As long as the Red Woodchuck’s United party remains in power, we can’t get fired.Our share of the Annual Spending Stimulus (A . S . S . ) Pays for our food. Takes care of our landlord. Pays for our health care. We get a monthly stimulus payment. ” He looked at his friend.” And if we mess up at work, our union covers our ASS.”
Warren walked over and joined his friends. Reaching out he patted Willie on the back.” Wally’s right” He said.” Let someone else clean up the mess. There are plenty of woodchuck’s wanting to work.Let them do it if they are so industrious.. Hard work and responsibility are such old fashioned concepts. .”
” Right on baby,” Said cool Wally. The sunlight bounced off his shades, rendering his eyes invisible.” Pre bailout is pase. Give me my stimulus, and let me go play.Working is for squares.Let someone else do it”
He thought about it for a moment, then smiled.” Yes thats it, Let someone else do it. Our New motto. Let someone elase do it.”
Warren and Willie picked up the chant. “Let someone else do it!” They shouted in unison.”Let someone else do it.”
The Economic Rescue and Stimulus Package.(E.R.S.P.) had accomplished its goal.
Woodchuck ambition and innovation had been replaced by government employment. Everyone got a job. Working was optional.
Healthcare was available to every person in the Country, and the quality was equally low and slow for all.
The standard of living was permanentally lowered, but no citizen was forced to work for their lowered standard.
And of course, most important of all,THE RED WOODCHUCKS UNITED party( TRWU) was the benevolent orchestrator of out welfare, safety, and what we can think from now on.
A very comforting thought.